Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted on this blog. I'd forgotten my log in and everything, lol. I started this blog as a means to express myself but I never really used it. I've contemplated deleting it many times but never did. I'm happy about that because now I think I will write more.
A lot has happened since the last time I wrote on this blog. The most traumatic and awful thing happened. My mother died. If you follow me on YouTube then you probably saw the video I put up where I was talking about it. It was so painful that I eventually made it private so it's not available anymore. Since that day my life has transformed. I've been so sad and yet good things have happened to me.
Right now I feel like I'm at a cross roads because it's been a year since mom has passed and I feel like I've accomplished NOTHING. Yes I still stay home and take care of my toddler (like his father and I planned) and thats a BIG accomplishment, BUT I don't feel like I've done anything for NATI. It's almost like I don't know how to do anything WITHOUT my mother. I don't know if I can live without her. I don't know if I can survive without her. I don't know if I can work without her. I don't know if I can get a car without her or be happy without her. I just feel so lost. My soul is desolate. I am alive but I'm just existing. Even when I'm happy and laughing, inside I'm just sooooo fucking SAD.
I can't complain really, cuz GOD has been SOOOOOO good to me y'all! I have wanted for nothing and I haven't worked in 3 years! I don't get any money from the government either, but my father in Heaven ALWAYS looks out for me. I do have a boyfriend that I feel was sent from heaven. I love him so much. I never felt like I'd experience love again and here this man came into my life. I had given up on EVER being happy again after mom passed and yet he makes me happy. I can't say that he can fill the void my mom's passing left but he definitely makes me feel loved and more complete and more like myself, so that's a good thing. I'm even contemplating marrying him, something I'd given up on after dealing with my crazy ex.
I know this blog post is kinda all over the place but I just felt the need to come and put my feelings down on paper (virtual).
Later
